Yup. This weekend
WWE will have holding its annual Royal Rumble Special Event Exclusively
On The WWE Network And/Or PPV For People That Don't Get That $9.99 Is Cheaper
Than $49.99 Or Whatever They Even Charge For A PPV. (Previously known
as The Royal Rumble Pay Per View.) If you don't know what
a Royal Rumble is or how it works you are so very lucky and
have made some solid life decisions. Congratulations. This year's
Royal Rumble is a little different in that the winner will actually win the WWE
World Heavyweight Championship. (It's happened before. It's not
that big of a deal.)
Here are some random
things I would like to see;
Let me preface this by saying that most of these things
will be things that are actually possible and involve real living human
beings that are employed by WWE. If I could have ANYTHING I wanted, I'd have Dusty Rhodes come down from Heaven and win the WWE World Heavyweight title. Or, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan would both win and would main
event WrestleMania forever.
Those two things probably won't happen.
These are some other things that won't happen listed in
random order. Most of these entries contradict other entries. It's
okay. It’s gonna be fine. I promise that after you read this,
you won't need to see a doctor. It's gonna be okay. Hang in
I want Hulk Hogan to enter at 29 and eliminate everyone
in the ring. Then, I want Sting to enter at 30 and beat Hulk Hogan to
death with a baseball bat and win the championship. The crowd will then experience a
happiness and joy that no man has ever known. The real police will
come in and take Sting to real jail. (He will still be champ though
and wear the belt in prison.) Eventually Sting will go to trial
where the judge, the President and the Pope will all agree that it was
right and good to murder Hulk Hogan. Sting will be set free and will
be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. This will all make Vince McMahon
Jr. feel disappointed.
Sasha Banks wins all the belts.
I want El Generico to eliminate Kevin Owens to win the
title. The announce team will have no idea who El Generico is. El
Generico will leave with the belt after the match never to be seen in WWE
again. Years later, video footage will be discovered showing El
Generico wearing the belt and feeding hungry children in a Mexican monastery.
Totally unrelated, Sami Zayn will appear on the episode of RAW the
day after the Royal Rumble where he will enter into the tournament for the
now vacant WWE World Heavyweight Championship. The new title belt will not
look anything like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's high school class
Charlotte wins all the belts.
For reals though, seriously, can Daniel Bryan please be
healthy and come back at Royal Rumble and get back to being one of the
world's best professional wrestlers on my TV on a regular basis forever
and ever now already please? I'm not saying you have to give him the
title on day one but, give him the title on day one! Do it!
Bayley wins all the belts.
I'm also okay with Kane also coming back and having a
Daniel Bryan/Kane Team Hell No reunion. That is one (of many) storylines
they never paid off. And I don't like Kane that much. But Team
Hell No were great television. One of them got assimilated by the
Wyatt Family then got over it. One of them got murdered by the Wyatt
Family then just sort of forgot it happened. They need to tie all
that up. It might be the only way to tell a Wyatt Family story that
anyone cares about. Do it.
Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Seth Rollins, Sting and Hideo Itami
are all totally fine now and all win all the belts.
I'm cool with AJ Styles showing up. Some sort of
deal with him and Finn Balor would be neat. I don't need it but I'm cool with it.
I'm also cool with letting that story build more naturally. But if
they want surprise entrants, I'd rather have NJPW and NXT guys than old
timers. The only WWE old timers I care about are dead or Sting and I
only care about Sting to the extent that there was absolutely no story
reason at all for Triple H to beat Sting at WrestleMania and they need to
fix that. There is also no reason Sting shouldn’t have won the belt.
The Miz and Vince McMahon Jr. have been WWE champ. Any argument
against Sting being champ is invalid not matter how old he is.
Bo Dallas wins all the belts.
Surprise entrant Leo Kruger eliminates Adam Rose.
How could that work? WWE is a multi-million dollar worldwide
wrestling monopoly. Figure it out.
Kevin Owens wins all the belts.
Another surprise entrant I'd be down with is Samoa Joe.
Of all the guys on WWE's payroll, Joe might be the one I'd most want
to see in the Royal Rumble format. Big, strong, fast, mean.
Yeah, he's made for it.
New Day win all the belts.
Sami Zayn wins all the belts.
Stephanie McMahon wins all the belts. (Just for the victory dance.)
Seriously though, Leo Kruger forever Bo Bo.
Okay. Now some things I
don't want to see in the Royal Rumble. Or ever. The following are
things I don't ever want to see on my TV ever;
Triple H doing anything in a wrestling ring other than
losing to Sting.
Hulk Hogan doing anything in a wrestling ring other
than losing to Sting.
When will it be okay for WWE to bring racist Hulk Hogan
back? Answer = NEVER.
Chris Jericho existing.
I guess Roman Reigns is
going to win this thing right? Or maybe Brock Lesnar? If Roman
Reigns truly is your future face-of-the-WWE or whatever he has to beat Lesnar
for the title at some point right? Maybe this sets up that match at WrestleMania.
A lot of people say Triple H wins to set up Reigns at WrestleMania but,
Jeeziz Cheese Biscuits, who on Earth wants to see that match? Roman
Reigns doesn't want to see that match. If we're running a Triple H vs
Roman Reigns program from now until WrestleMania then someone text me when
Dusty Rhodes comes back from Heaven to save us.