22 January 2016

They are doing the Royal Rumble thing again. Here are some things I'd like to see.

Yup.  This weekend WWE will have holding its annual Royal Rumble Special Event Exclusively On The WWE Network And/Or PPV For People That Don't Get That $9.99 Is Cheaper Than $49.99 Or Whatever They Even Charge For A PPV.  (Previously known as The Royal Rumble Pay Per View.)  If you don't know what a Royal Rumble is or how it works you are so very lucky and have made some solid life decisions.  Congratulations.  This year's Royal Rumble is a little different in that the winner will actually win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.  (It's happened before.  It's not that big of a deal.)

Here are some random things I would like to see;

  • Let me preface this by saying that most of these things will be things that are actually possible and involve real living human beings that are employed by WWE.  If I could have ANYTHING I wanted, I'd have Dusty Rhodes come down from Heaven and win the WWE World Heavyweight title.  Or, CM Punk and Daniel Bryan would both win and would main event WrestleMania forever.
  • Those two things probably won't happen.
  • These are some other things that won't happen listed in random order. Most of these entries contradict other entries.  It's okay.  It’s gonna be fine.  I promise that after you read this, you won't need to see a doctor.  It's gonna be okay.  Hang in there.
  • I want Hulk Hogan to enter at 29 and eliminate everyone in the ring. Then, I want Sting to enter at 30 and beat Hulk Hogan to death with a baseball bat and win the championship.  The crowd will then experience a happiness and joy that no man has ever known.  The real police will come in and take Sting to real jail.  (He will still be champ though and wear the belt in prison.)  Eventually Sting will go to trial where the judge, the President and the Pope will all agree that it was right and good to murder Hulk Hogan.  Sting will be set free and will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.  This will all make Vince McMahon Jr. feel disappointed. 
  • Sasha Banks wins all the belts.
  • I want El Generico to eliminate Kevin Owens to win the title.  The announce team   will have no idea who El Generico is.  El Generico will leave with the belt after the match never to be seen in WWE again.  Years later, video footage will be discovered showing El Generico wearing the belt and feeding hungry children in a Mexican monastery.  Totally unrelated, Sami Zayn will appear on the episode of RAW the day after the Royal Rumble where he will enter into the tournament for the now vacant WWE World Heavyweight Championship.  The new title belt will not look anything like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's high school class ring 
  • Charlotte wins all the belts.
  • For reals though, seriously, can Daniel Bryan please be healthy and come back at Royal Rumble and get back to being one of the world's best professional wrestlers on my TV on a regular basis forever and ever now already please?  I'm not saying you have to give him the title on day one but, give him the title on day one!  Do it!
  • Bayley wins all the belts.
  • I'm also okay with Kane also coming back and having a Daniel Bryan/Kane Team Hell No reunion. That is one (of many) storylines they never paid off.  And I don't like Kane that much.  But Team Hell No were great television.  One of them got assimilated by the Wyatt Family then got over it.  One of them got murdered by the Wyatt Family then just sort of forgot it happened.  They need to tie all that up.  It might be the only way to tell a Wyatt Family story that anyone cares about.  Do it.  
  • Cesaro, Tyson Kidd, Seth Rollins, Sting and Hideo Itami are all totally fine now and all win all the belts. 
  • I'm cool with AJ Styles showing up.  Some sort of deal with him and Finn Balor would be neat.  I don't need it but I'm cool with it.  I'm also cool with letting that story build more naturally.  But if they want surprise entrants, I'd rather have NJPW and NXT guys than old timers.  The only WWE old timers I care about are dead or Sting and I only care about Sting to the extent that there was absolutely no story reason at all for Triple H to beat Sting at WrestleMania and they need to fix that.  There is also no reason Sting shouldn’t have won the belt.  The Miz and Vince McMahon Jr. have been WWE champ.  Any argument against Sting being champ is invalid not matter how old he is. 
  • Bo Dallas wins all the belts.
  • Surprise entrant Leo Kruger eliminates Adam Rose.  How could that work?  WWE is a multi-million dollar worldwide wrestling monopoly.  Figure it out. 
  • Kevin Owens wins all the belts.
  • Another surprise entrant I'd be down with is Samoa Joe.  Of all the guys on WWE's payroll, Joe might be the one I'd most want to see in the Royal Rumble format.   Big, strong, fast, mean.  Yeah, he's made for it. 
  • New Day win all the belts.
  • Sami Zayn wins all the belts.
  • Stephanie McMahon wins all the belts.  (Just for the victory dance.)
  • Seriously though, Leo Kruger forever Bo Bo.

Okay. Now some things I don't want to see in the Royal Rumble.  Or ever.  The following are things I don't ever want to see on my TV ever;

  • Triple H doing anything in a wrestling ring other than losing to Sting.
  • Hulk Hogan doing anything in a wrestling ring other than losing to Sting.
  • When will it be okay for WWE to bring racist Hulk Hogan back?  Answer = NEVER.
  • Chris Jericho existing.
I guess Roman Reigns is going to win this thing right?  Or maybe Brock Lesnar?  If Roman Reigns truly is your future face-of-the-WWE or whatever he has to beat Lesnar for the title at some point right?  Maybe this sets up that match at WrestleMania.  A lot of people say Triple H wins to set up Reigns at WrestleMania but, Jeeziz Cheese Biscuits, who on Earth wants to see that match?  Roman Reigns doesn't want to see that match.  If we're running a Triple H vs Roman Reigns program from now until WrestleMania then someone text me when Dusty Rhodes comes back from Heaven to save us.

Your best pal ever,

Shannon Smith
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